Comments on: On Friendships in Japan

By: loveinjapanese2014

loveinjapanese2014 — Sat, 22 Mar 2014 15:39:40 +0000

A very interesting read, Friendship always start with a smile, making friend is just like in any other places. The only hard thing in japan is some of them cannot speak in English so try to learn their language at least some basic words, get involved in activities and/or hang out with people from work or school and expand your circle from there.

By: Mike

Mike — Fri, 21 Feb 2014 14:48:31 +0000

Learn to listen before you learn to speak. I am a fellow American and am very guarded when conversing with others. Its easy to find a person willing to talk to you(rather than listen), but when people are so blatantly open about their personal lives and emotions the situation becomes awkward. This is because i feel obligated to either endure debilitating silence or reveal aspects of my personal life. This isn’t to say I haven’t had really awesome conversations over the years because I HAVE. Even with my family/best friends I have trouble opening up but still have amazing conversations. Perhaps they simply know my rules?

You do not need to reveal everything to become friends. You simply need trust and loyalty.

By: Linkies 03/01/14 | Sherbet and Sparkles

Linkies 03/01/14 | Sherbet and Sparkles — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 12:29:53 +0000

[…] This very long post from A Japanese Life talks about making friends in Japan. It’s been in my saved links for ages since I love coming back to it and reading it over again. There’s a lot to take in but I think any expat will connect with what he’s written. […]

By: James

James — Thu, 14 Nov 2013 09:37:53 +0000

Mercifully, Japan has Shinto and Buddhism, and no need for proselytizing. ‘They’ don’t need help from anyone; what ‘they’ could use is some self-determination and less paternal infantilization from the US. But that could be applied to the rest of the world.

By: Kim Nguyen

Kim Nguyen — Thu, 14 Nov 2013 06:22:09 +0000

I feel your comment is arrogant, but I don’t think you will ever be able to understand why it is arrogant. You mean well, but you have no subtly in your soul.

By: Doin’ It Right | 近海る(Kin Kairu)

Doin’ It Right | 近海る(Kin Kairu) — Thu, 14 Nov 2013 00:48:46 +0000

[…] as well) using personal anecdotes and concrete research and reporting, ranging from topics of keeping friendships, smoking and the “apologizing” culture of Japan. He has one particular article about […]

By: Hi I'm Vince

Hi I'm Vince — Tue, 12 Nov 2013 10:18:15 +0000

I know this may be inappropriate but…the comments almost made me cry….
Such a loved people, but such a loveless people. They’re rich and intelligent, but in all my years of loving them and finding out all sorts of things about them that amazed me, and motivated me to move there, among all of them there was always one thing missing; love.

I know so many people may not agree and really find my views foolish but I’ll say it because I’m unafraid. These amazing people first need acceptance, then they need realization of their need for help, then they need love; but they need love first and second also, they need it most.

I am a Christian..not like the ones who only call themselves one but no difference exists between them and anyone else, but I know God and He loves the Japanese people more than anyone else could. Jesus Christ wants them all to be saved by Him, and live an eternal and lovely(love-full, if you will) life, free from everything and I heard Him..and He says that He will do this, and He’ll do it soon. All of them may not make it but as many as accepted Him are the people who are forever with Him.

I’m done..you can approve my comment now :)

By: Kaylah

Kaylah — Fri, 08 Nov 2013 07:55:06 +0000

Thank you soo very much for your thoughts and observations. I started to begin to feel I was the only one that took a lot of thought in to this. I have been in Japan for 3 years now in an American university. My other friends took the time to avoid such people and found good Japanese friends that were very open to the idea to disclose and be very open as a way of getting to know your friends, however like you said, they were the misfits socially in Japan. They often didnt get along well with other Japanese that had social status.

I was different in selecting my friends, for the reason that I am in Kendo as a 1dan. They did a lot for me so I thought it would be best to tell the truth about everything and be vulnerable so that I could learn and grow. Especially since I was only 20 and just starting out on my own in life. Now I am 23 years old and less oblivious about what was going on. I noticed anytime I expressed any kind of emotion, even if it was happy or I was trying to show my gratitude, my kendo friends being pilots of JAL, would pull away, sometimes not even talk to me for months to pretend it never happened, even if it was a minor thing.

For example, my kendo friends had paid for a lot of things for me and helped me get an apartment when I was struggling. They went out of their way for the last 3 years. I am near graduation now and they said they couldnt make it to the ceremony, so in return I made them some beautiful artwork of a JAL airplane as a senior gift to them, and expressed that they are my heroes and gave me a good life in Japan. They went silent and havent spoke a word to me about it, even when I sent them the gift in the mail because they were “busy”. I found this to be quite offensive and harmful because I was once a negative dependent person that transformed in to a positive independent lady because of their kindness.

I know for a fact that I was completely vulnerable in the past and expressed everything without thinking about how they felt about it. I am completely guilty of that, but I grew up, still I feel that even with the new positive change and paying attention to them rather than me, I got a message back from one of my kendo friends being buzzed soo much that he said “You is gaijin because you could not keep words. You open mouth too much”

I immediately felt hurt. So I started to accept this way of life, but while at the same time being depressed and shutting even other Americans or gaijin out whenever they wanted to be open about things. I became afraid of even saying anything at all, for the fear of things being held against me or I would loose someone just because of what I said about me or my personal thought on others, even if it was a compliment.

Being 23 and about to start a new transition in life working in Japan, its a hard transition. I bet it was hard for you and for anyone who came to realize themselves and how the culture is very socially different.

By: James

James — Thu, 07 Nov 2013 15:08:07 +0000

Well, I think Eryk acknowledges and outlines the aspect of cultural difference quite explicitly, which he supported with research. I’m not quite sure how you managed to miss it, but your comment comes across as though you’ve read into it what you wanted in order to make a somewhat condescending point about ‘acceptance’, when his observations suggest he’s given the matter a great deal of thought, and concludes by his explaining of how he reached his point of ‘acceptance’.

The broader point being made, as I see it, is how these cultural norms, which are different and take time to adapt to, have the unusual aspect of seeping into expat-expat relationships; a peculiar phenomenon and one I’ve struggled with too. I’ve lived in Korea, China, and now Japan, and the latter is by far the toughest nut to crack in terms of establishing some kind of friendship based upon trust and mutual understanding. In the previous two countries, both with their unique forms of cultural interaction – but far less socially rigid and inflexible – there was little or no crossover into expat-expat relationships. It was much the same as at home, and the dominant culture didn’t refract into these expat relationships, altering them in the bizarre manner as happens in Japan. This may have something to do with both the Chinese and Koreans being, generally, openly emotional people, and the cultures of both countries being less rule obsessed.

Whatever the answer may be, it’s an interesting observation, and certainly food for thought.

Thanks.

By: Cindy Siano

Cindy Siano — Thu, 07 Nov 2013 05:43:06 +0000

I lived in Japan for five years and found that the Japanese approach to feelings is very different to westerners. You mention ‘self disclosure’ a fair bit and wonder whether you should have not spoken as much or at all in certain circumstances. I find, even in Australia or the US, friendships are sparked and forged much more deeply if you do more listening, real listening, rather than being hung up on revealing your innermost feelings. We had Japanese people invite us out for the day to Yokohama, showing us the sights, answering our questions and finding great spots to eat – and insisting they pay for the lot. Of course they’re big on gift-giving and we had some amazing gifts given to us. This is the Japanese way of saying they like and respect you and want to be friends. In our culture gift-receiving comes with a certain amount of obligation and/or guilt about reciprocity. They’re just a different culture, that’s all. If you stop and accept them for just the way they are, you’ll be delighted and mind expanded. There’s more than one way to ‘be’.